Do I Trust You, Lord?

The words to one of my favorite songs growing up keeps coming back to me right now:

Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in Your will, what's in Your plan.
So many times I'm tempted to ask You why,
But I can never forget it for long.
Lord, what You do could not be wrong.
So I believe You, even when I must cry.

Do I trust You, Lord? Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord? Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind,
And You got to know That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord? Do I trust You?

I know the answers, I've given them all.
But suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
But right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know.

Do I trust You, Lord? Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord? Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind,
And You got to know That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord? Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord, when I don't know why.
I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust You, Lord, when I'm blind with pain!
You were God before, and You'll never change.
I will trust You.I will trust You.I will trust You, Lord.I will trust You.
Twila Paris, 1984

It's been quite some time since I've posted. I was doing well for a while there, but now the attacks have returned with a vengeance. The Lord has shown me that He wants me to be a writer. Not just of my little blog here, but of other things. Scripts, novels, articles. He's leading me to devote myself to sharing His Word through my writing. Since I've received that word from Him, Satan has been working overtime in my life.

I've been struggling with smoking again. I quite about three years ago and was so excited to be freed from that addiction. But like I've said before, Satan really knows where to attack each of us. For me it's through eating and smoking. I've got to trust the Lord for my deliverance and that's why Twila Paris' song keeps coming back to me. Do I trust Him to heal me? To deliver Me? In my head I know He can, but my heart struggles with it. I've spent so much of my life broken and trying to take care of myself. I really struggling with believing that something I can't see can take care of me. But as I've quoted here many times, He has promised to heal me, to deliver me. And God cannot break His promises. I must learn now to lean on them. I'm going to pick out some verses to memorize and meditate on... probably something that I've quoted here :)

On the good news front, I'm about to finish my very first Bible Study. I've started many before, but never completed one. My co-workers and I have been doing A Woman's Heart, God's Dwelling Place by Beth Moore. Tonight I do the final days homework and then watch the last video session with them at lunch tomorrow. I guess I needed total accountability to get me to complete a study. I've got to say that this one has spoken to me and I've learned so much from it. I credit it with allowing me to see God's leading in my life so clearly.

I ask those that may read this to please pray for me. I desperately want to trust my Lord and Savior to heal me and deliver me from smoking. If you pray for me, could you take a moment and post a comment?

--Kat

Learning Patience as I Work Towards Maturity

I subscribe to Greg Laurie's daily email devotionals. He writes some AMAZING lessons. Here was Tuesday's.

Preparing with Patience

Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain.— James 5:7

The early rains in Israel would usually come in late October or early November. These were anxiously awaited by the farmer, because they would soften the hard-baked soil for plowing. The latter rains would come in late April or May. These were essential to the maturing of the crops. If the farmer were to rush out and harvest his crops before their time, he would destroy them. So he had to wait.James knew that patience was also an important factor in awaiting the Lord's return. He wrote, "Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain" (James 5:7).

No crop appears overnight. Like farmers, we need to be patient and recognize that it takes time for growth to happen in our lives. However, the word "patience" does not speak of a passive resignation, but of an expectant waiting for the Lord. This is not a casual, nonchalant approach. Rather, it is an excited expectancy, a readiness.Some believers don't live this way. They just passively bide their time. But the Bible tells us we should be actively preparing as we await the return of Christ: "And do this, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep; for now our salvation is nearer than when we first believed. The night is far spent, the day is at hand" (Romans 13:11–12).

Let's be sure we are living in a holy manner as we patiently wait for Christ's return.

I'm particularly struck by his stating that we must be patient in waiting for spiritual maturity also. Now that I'm on the right path in life and following what the Lord has planned, I want it to all be done NOW. I must learn that this is a journey, not a "Beam Me Up, Scotty" moment.

--Kat

Faith or Flesh?

Okay, here comes a big chunk of scripture, but it's GOOD stuff!

7But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

15All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. 16Only let us live up to that we have already attained.

17Join with others in following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you. 18For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. 20But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. Phillipians 3:7-21

When I read that I felt like I'd been hit by a ton of bricks. Did you see verse 19? "their god is there stomach." Ouch! I know it's talking about so much more than food here. It's referencing the human desire to simply satisfy the immediate fleshly desires, but isn't that what my overeating is about? Haven't I made my stomach my god?

I've been reading this passage over and over again and realizing how perfectly it sums up this journey I'm on and the purpose behind this blog. When I named this "Finding Joy in the Journey" I was thinking of verse 12 and the call to press on to the goal. I must confess I hadn't read the rest of the passage, but now that I have, I'm struck by how beautifully God plans it all for me. I've been living as an enemy of Christ. I've place my fleshly desires ahead of pursuing holiness. Now I'm seeing the perfect provision that he has promised me and I'm daily seeking to grasp hold of it. I'm filled with an unbelievable desire to know and fellowship with the Lord and Savior of my soul.

Wow! The work that the Holy Spirit is doing in my life amazes me! I'm seeing such a transformation in all areas of my life, not just my relationship with food. I'm becoming more patient, more honest, more loving, even more focused. I'm excited every morning to see what the Lord is going to place before me for the day.

I'm learning in a deep and real way that God truly is all sufficient. He ain't kidding when he says:

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, Ephesians 3:20

Woo Hoo! My God will provide! Not just my physical needs, but my deep emotional and spiritual needs also. And guess what? He's going to do it up better than I could possibly imagine it!

So this is where the question "Faith or Flesh?" comes into play. When I head to the pantry or fridge for food, I'm stopping to pray and ask myself "Am I getting ready to eat in faith or in the flesh?" If I'm eating in faith, that means I'm hungry... really, truly hungry. I'm eating to fuel my body and enjoy some of the wonderful bounty that the Lord has provided. I'm NOT eating because I'm bored or I'm stressed or I'm unhappy or I'm happy. When I eat for those reasons, I'm eating in the flesh. When I'm eating in faith, I also start knowing that once I'm no longer hungry, I'm going to stop eating. What if there's still food left? Still stopping! When I'm eating in the flesh, I'm getting food knowing that I'm going to eat all of it regardless of whether I'm full or not.

As an experiment I spent yesterday fulling eating "in faith." I ate the foods that appealled to me, only ate when hungry, stopped when no longer hungry, etc. This morning I went to www.sparkpeople.com and logged what I'd eaten. Guess what? I ate right within the recommended calorie range for weight loss! It seems that the Lord actually created my body to take in what it needs!

--Kat

The Void Revisited

I know how horrible it is to quote myself, but I need to go back to something I wrote a few weeks ago:

I am trying to fill a void. A void that only the Lord can fill. I've now realized that while overeating does a great job of filling up my hips and thighs, it does a horrid job of filling up what's missing in my soul. I don't know exactly what that emptiness is caused by or the best way to fill it. Right now I'm focused solely on seeking God when I feel that emptiness. My goal is to dig into God's word and to reach out to Him in prayer when that emptiness begins to overtake me.

Easy to say, harder to apply. Isn't that true of all great spiritual truths though. I know that there is this great void inside of me- this emptiness and hurt that I'm attempting to fix by overeating. I've been waiting for God to grandly reveal to me what that hurt is and to show me how to fix it. I've stuffed myself with pie and ice cream and chips and... all the while telling myself that I'll be all better in the future when God has shown me what that void is. Today I realized that that is nothing more than an excuse to continue in my sinful ways.

Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed;
save me and I will be saved,
for you are the one I praise.
Jeremiah 17:14

"'Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my
people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring
Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before.
Jeremiah 33:6-7

Funny, I don't notice God saying, "figure it all out and then I will heal you." It seems that I'm just to come to Him with a repentant heart. He's waiting to heal me, but I must come to Him.

Luckily, I'm not the only one that has known the right thing to do and struggled to actually do it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:21-25

The Apostle Paul isn't too shabby company to be keeping. I must confess that I'm struggling to understand what Paul's talking about when he discussing the law of sin in these passages. (I tend to struggle with the book of Romans because Paul is very theologically deep in there. Good stuff, but it takes all my brain power to untangle it.) I do understand that Paul wanted to do right, but kept doing wrong. My hope rests in the fact that there is Someone to "rescue me from this body of death". My Lord, Jesus Christ has paid the great price already!

So, I literally attempted to fill the void with cream puffs and pie and sweet potatoes and corn pudding over the holiday weekend. I'm back to where I was when I started this journey. 222 is the news the scale had for me this morning. I've fought the urge to let that get me down. I just have to remember that this is a journey. I will occasionally take a detour, but the goal is to get right back on the proper road and head home.

--Kat

My Body is Not My Own

Quite the interesting revelation today. During my reading of Thin Within I read the chapter entitled "Removing the Rubble." It addresses the fact that our bodies are not our own. It really reinforced the idea of stewardship with me. I know that all my money and belongings are a gift from God that I'm supposed to use them for his glory. I'm not sure that I'd really looked at my body in that light before. Of course it's right there in scripture.

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I'm called to honor God with my body... and stuffing myself with foods that are not nutritionally good is not a way of honoring him. But beyond that he led me to see that my body belongs to someone else...

The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the
same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.
1 Corinthians 7:4

Now, I may be opening myself up to a flame-fest here, but I do need to realize that I must also honor my husband with my body. He's an amazing man and he loves me deeply. But he's not happy with my physical appearance right now. If given the choice, this is not the body he would choose for me. I only know this because I forced him to tell me. The poor guy just can't lie to me when I ask him a question. I'm eternally grateful for the wonderful man that God has chosen to bless me with!

Anyhoo, back on topic. One way that I can love my husband is by taking care of my body and doing all I can to make it healthy and attractive for him. Adds a bit of extra accountability to all of this food struggle. I've always looked at this verse as purely sexual, but it is more than that. I must do all I can to be healthy, not only for sex, but simply to be there to love and care for my husband and children. I'm going to continue to pray over this verse and how best to apply it in the coming days.

--Kat

Standing Under Temptation

The beginning of the holiday season seemed the perfect time for me to look into the Word and study up on what God has to say about temptation. I started in the book of Hebrews.

Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants. For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted. Hebrews 2:14-18 (emphasis mine)

We know that the children referenced here are us lowly mortals and "he" is Jesus Christ.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:14-16

So, we can rest assured when we are tempted that Jesus himself faced temptation and stood up in the face of it. Seems to me like it might be helpful to see what he did when tempted.

Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread."

Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"

Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple.

"If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: " 'He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'"

Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'"

Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. "All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me."

Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'"

Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

Matthew 4:1-11

What can I learn by seeing how Jesus handled his temptation? Jesus knew the Word of God. He knew it, not only well enough to quote it to Satan, but he knew it well enough to know when it was being taken out of context. He didn't rely solely on what another teacher had told him or what he had heard quoted somewhere. He knew the Word for himself- granted He had written it ;). I see here that I have to study for myself. I can't rely on my Sunday School teacher or pastor alone to give me the scriptures that I will need.

I've definitely seen this play out in my life the past few days. I haven't been studying my Bible as much (or in the case of this weekend, at all) and it shows in how I've been eating. I've fallen out of the Word and fallen out of my good eating habits. By not immersing myself in what God has to say, I've allowed my weaknesses to have control.

I then found a passage in James that struck me.

When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. James 1:13-15

So, temptation comes to us when we chose to follow our own "evil desires". I noticed that it said that we are dragged away. What are we dragged away from? The scripture for one thing. When we are immersed in the Word, it's a lot easier to stand up to Satan's tempting. We are also dragged away from fellowship with God. When those evil desires start speaking to us, it's easy to stop praying and worshipping. We know that he's going to convict us when we are wrong and we want to avoid that! At least I know I do. God has also placed great accountability into my life through my church family and several sisters in Christ. And I tend to withdraw from them also when I know I want to sin.

Okay, I may be wading into some theologically iffy territory here. I'm more than open to correction if someone better versed in the scriptures as a whole can point out my errors. I was struck also by the fact that temptation comes as a result of our evil desires. How then, was Christ tempted if he didn't have evil desires? And if he had those evil desires, that in itself must not be a sin. In fact James separates the two by stating that evil desires can lead to sin. We love to pull out the "club of condemnation" and beat ourselves up for having evil desires, but that is not a sin. When we entertain those thoughts and when we act on them is where the sin comes in. Satan's also going to be careful in how he chooses to attack us. He's not going to waste his time tempting us in an area where we are strong. He's going to poke around until he finds an area that we are weak in, that we already struggle with and he's going to attack us right there.

After all that, I came back to the "classic" temptation scripture.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

So, when my evil desires start getting the best of me and I'm tempted, I can rest assured that God has a prepared a way out. What is that way out? Studying and knowing His Word, seeking fellowship with him and having accountability from other believers. Seems so cliched, but that's what it all boils down to. Now that I've discovered all that right there in my Bible, it's time to tackle the more difficult task of applying it all.

On the more physical and mundane front. I have lost 6.5 pounds since I began this journey a couple of weeks ago. As of this morning, the scale is telling me 215.5!

--Kat

Trying to Fill the Hole

Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance. Proverbs 1:5

Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning. Proverbs 9:9

The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice. Proverbs 12:15

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. Proverbs 15:22

Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Proverbs 19:20

That's just a little of what Proverbs has to say about seeking counsel. I'm retraining myself to realize that accepting advice, guidance and Godly counsel is not a sign of weakness and ineptitude. It's actually a sign of maturity.

I've been blessed to have several people that God has placed in my life to offer just such Godly counsel. I got to have lunch with one of my very favorite Counselors last week. She and I deal with many of the same struggles. Thankfully we seek the same God for answers to those problems. She shared with me that she's learned that overeating is so often the result of us trying to fill a spiritual or emotional void. At first I thought that seemed a little silly. Who would attempt to fill such an ethereal void with something physical, like food? Well... I would. Her words stuck with me over the weekend, poking at the back of my brain while I went through a three day feeding frenzy. Yesterday I was finally able to pull that thought off the back burner and really examine it.

I am trying to fill a void. A void that only the Lord can fill. I've now realized that while overeating does a great job of filling up my hips and thighs, it does a horrid job of filling up what's missing in my soul. I don't know exactly what that emptiness is caused by or the best way to fill it. Right now I'm focused solely on seeking God when I feel that emptiness. My goal is to dig into God's word and to reach out to Him in prayer when that emptiness begins to overtake me.

Yesterday I did that and it worked! (Why am I surprised when God comes through for me?) I was running errands for work and had already determined that I was going to stop at McDonald's and get an ice cream. I was mentally battling with myself over it. I'd already accepted defeat and just knew that I was going to go through the drive-through. I was down to debating what to get... how big to blow my eating well efforts. My dear friends words came back to me and I realized that I was stressed and was trying to use food to not deal with it. I prayed. I called out to my God to deliver me cause guess what?

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful;
he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are
tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1
Corinthians 10:13

Now it's important to not stop at the first part and think that I can handle it on my own. I'm only able to escape temptation because the good Lord has provided me with an escape plan. I've just got to seek him for it. After praying I was able to claim that victory and NOT stop at the drive-through at all. It seems so silly, but I just so amazed by His provision. It may seem like a small thing to others, but to me it was faith affirming.

--Kat